Movie Troubles
by TheCookieMonster77
Summary: If Lily knew that introducing James to movies would cause this much trouble, she would've thrown her television out the window. All dialogue.


Movie Troubles

Summary: If Lily knew that introducing James to movies would cause this much trouble, she would've thrown her television out the window.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

* * *

"So, why are we spending date night in your apartment when we could go out clubbing with the guys? Not that I'm complaining much, it's much easier to get you into bed without the travel time."

"You are the most unromantic person I know."

"Excuse me, my dearest Lilykins-"

"Don't call me that."

"-but I am a very romantic boyfriend. I take you to fancy restaurants and beautiful landmarks where as you hole me up in your apartment. Now which is more romantic sounding to you?"

"I thought you liked spending time in my bed?"

"Only if you're in it too. But we're not in your bed, are we? Oh, are we moving to the couch now? As kinky as that sounds, the bed is much more comfortable."

"Pervert."

"Who you're dating."

"Oh, shut up. We're watching a movie."

"What's a movie?"

"It's like a story, only it's told to you and you watch the scenes on a television, which is the box-looking thing in front of me."

"...We're watching stories for date night? Like a picture book? And you call me unromantic!"

"James, just trust me and go with it. It's pretty great and all of my movies have a lot of action in them. And occasionally blood."

"Fine, I'll trust you because I'm an incredible boyfriend like that. So, what are we watching?"

"What about _Jaws_?"

"It's about people's teeth?"

"It's about a shark that attacks a lot of people from a small town."

"Wait, the shark can go out of water?"

"No. It's a beach town so a lot of the locals go swimming all the time, so they get eaten by the shark. They did a good job with the horror parts. I was terrified to go to the beach after I saw this."

"Oh yeah, I think Sirius was saying something about visiting a beach sometime this week. Wait, terrified of the beach? Um, let's skip this one."

"Okay, what about _One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest_?"

"Huh?"

"It's a movie about people at an asylum overpowering a mean head nurse."

"Um…"

"No?"

"No."

"Ooh, _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_? This one's good."

"A spiritual movie?"

"Oh God no. It makes fun of it, really."

"Makes fun of what?"

"King Arthur and his search for the Holy Grail."

"Oh, the muggle Merlin was always helping?"

"Ye-wait, those stories are true?"

"Well sure, some of it. Mind you, half of the 'holy' things around Arthur were really Merlin and his party tricks."

"Merlin played pranks on Arthur?"

"Yup. Brilliant, eh? Let's watch this one; I want to see how muggles depict Merlin."

"Um, Merlin's not in this."

"What? Why not?"

"I dunno, not important enough?"

"_Not important enough_?"

"Okay, not this one. I have _The Great Race_. Oh, it's fantastic! Absolutely brilliant and hilarious movie."

"What's it about?"

"These people are in a car race that goes around the world."

"I thought cars could only go on land?"

"You're right…"

"So how'd they get across the ocean? Apparate?"

"They're muggles James, they can't apparate! They float their cars on ice to get from on mainland to the other."

"Muggles sell ice cubes that big?"

"No."

"Then where'd they get the ice cubes?"

"...We're not watching this one."

"Why not?"

"You'd ruin it for me."

"I would not! I'm an incredible boyfriend like that, remember? Let's watch it."

"No. Oh hey, what about some James Bond movies?"

"Who?"

"It's a series of movies about a British spy."

"Sounds good."

"Okay, the first one's called _Dr. No_."

"Dr. No?"

"It's the villain."

"Is the villain just a negative person or does he just say no all the time?"

"No, that's just his name."

"What person would want a name like that?"

"It's just what he's stuck with."

"But if he's so powerful, why doesn't he change his name?"

"It's just a name James."

"Names have power. Why does he want a stupid one?"

"Okay, different movie. The second one's _From Russia With Love._"

"No. That sounds stupid."

"You know what, I agree with you. _Goldfinger_?"

"Like the Philosopher's Stone? Or is he a Minos rip-off?"

"Um, no."

"The why's it called Goldfinger? Does the guy get a gold finger or something?"

"No, that's stupid."

"Then why's it called Goldfinger?"

"Because the villain turns everything he touches into gold."

"I thought you said he wasn't like Minos."

"James, it's a metaphor. Muggle stuff, remember?"

"That's stupid."

"Okay then, that's a no. The next one's _Thunderball_."

"Well that's a stupid name. Even Dungbomb sounds better."

"That's not the point James. The title is the name of the evil plot that Bond foils."

"Is it more destructive than dungbombs?"

"Dungbombs aren't that destructive."

"Me and Sirius with dungbombs?"

"...Never mind. How about _You Only Live Twice_. It's a pretty good one."

"Well that's stupid. No one lives twice."

"It's just the title."

"It's still stupid. Why'd they call it that?"

"The main character pretends to die to escape some enemies so he's living his 'second' life because the villains think he's dead when he's really alive. Ergo, two lives."

"Why would they think he's dead?"

"Because he lets them shoot him and he pretends to be dead from it."

"How does that work?"

"We could just watch the movie instead of me spoiling it...no? Fine. He pretends to be trapped in a bed that flips up into the wall - oh shut up and go with it - and they shoot him through the bed and he fakes his death."

"...That's stupid. If they wanted to kill him, they should have used the Avada Kedavra."

"They're muggles."

"Still stupid."

"Fine, be a spoilsport. _On Her Majesty's Secret Service_?"

"Isn't that something to do with British muggle spies?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, let's watch that one."

"Because it deals with spies?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

"You do realize every one of the James Bond movies is about a spy, right?"

"But all the other ones sound stupid. Let's watch this one."

"No, I wouldn't bother. It sucked."

"Then why'd you suggest it?"

"I was asking which movies you wanted to watch."

"And I said it sounded good."

"But it's not. I really don't want to watch it."

"If you weren't intending to play it, why'd you suggest it?"

"Forget it. _Diamonds Are Forever_?"

"Let me guess, it involves family heirlooms?"

"Um, no. Bond's looking into a diamond smuggling group."

"Why?"

"Because it's what he does. And the diamonds turn out to be a part of Blofeld's evil plot."

"Blofeld?"

"The super villain in most of the James Bond movies."

"Oh, okay. What does he use the diamonds for?"

"He puts them in a satellite to destroy stuff."

"Satellite? What's that, a muggle cauldron of some sort? Or maybe a big, fancy-shmancy wand?"

"...On second thought, let's not watch this one. How about _Live and Let Die_?"

"What?"

"It takes place in Louisiana and Bond's trying to figure out why the bad guy's giving away a bunch of drugs for free."

"Why'd the bad guy do that?"

"To make money."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It does in the movie."

"Really?"

"Yup. It also has a pretty fortune teller."

"As pretty as you?"

"Aww, thanks for reminding me why I'm dating you."

"I do my best, Lily-flower."

"And you just killed the moment. So, do you want to watch it?"

"No. The villain still sounds stupid."

"My God, you're pickier than Petunia. What about _Man with a Golden Gun_?"

"Well, that doesn't sound practical."

"It's the villain's distinguishing feature."

"Still sounds wasteful."

"...Different movie?"

"Yup."

"Well, that's most of them. I have two left. There's _It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World_-"

"That sounds promising."

"-and before you go criticizing it - wait, _this_ one sounds promising?"

"Sure."

"The one with the weirdest title?"

"This title isn't weird. I don't understand half of the others."

"But still, the one with 'mad' in it four times sounds _promising_?"

"Well, yeah."

"...I give up."


End file.
